Yesterday, my friend Lisa and I were outside on a big patch of green grass reading our books when our mutual friend Mel called Lisa's phone. We both know Mel well and she has called us both a number of times to invite us to get togethers. Lisa picked up her phone and from what I could understand in the one sided conversation, Mel had invited her some other of our friends for to hang out. Lisa enthusiastically replied, "that sounds fun! See you in a bit." Throughout the minute long phone conversation, I waited for Lisa to tell me what was going to happen tonight and ask me if I wanted to go. If not that, I waited for Lisa to at least bring me up. She didn't.
When she hung up, I quickly responded "add 30 minutes to however long she said it'll take her to get ready." Lisa, noticeably put in an awkward position, quickly replied "Yeah. Last time I waited outside her door for 35 minutes." We exchanged laughs and I went back to reading my book, expecting my phone to ring next.
It didn't ring.
30 minutes later, Lisa stood up exclaiming that she should probably get home to change before... She didn't finish the sentence. She thanked me for keeping her company while reading and without saying another word of what our friend was planning for the night, she biked off.
I sat there slightly numb and then returned to my book to keep my mind from wandering.
5 minutes later, after concluding that Mel was not going to call me to invite me to hang out that night, I decided that this was a good thing for me and got up and started walking. Yet, at the back of my mind, I kept wondering "Is Mel going to call me? Why didn't she call me? Why didn't she invite me? Why didn't Lisa say anything? She was put in an awkward position. But so was I. Was I not cool enough to hang out with them?"
I didn't have a direction for the first twenty steps, but then gradually made my way to a spot my best friend introduced me to a few days earlier.
It was hidden spot slightly behind our great campus landmark - Memorial Church (affectionately called MemChu by students - and consisted of cement benches placed in a circular configuration. On the ground, these words were etched in a circle along the benches:
For the TROUBLED may you find PEACE.
For the DISPARING may you find HOPE.
For the LONELY may you find LOVE.
For the SKEPTICAL may you find FAITH.
- Frances C. Arillaga 1941 - 1995
The Arillaga family were big contributers to our University and half of our buildings were named after them. I remember when I first visited the spot thinking, how could a rich person who has money to throw around have the ability to say something so profound? Quite a naive and judgmental response from my side.
Yesterday, the second time I visited, rather than being preoccupied with who had said those words, I read the words aloud and sat on the bench, looking into the words. Ah, solitude. Not loneliness, I wasn't going to go in that direction. This was solitude, solitude that I needed and deserved. I opened my book and read for about thirty minutes. After that, I sat and meditated. I concentrated on my breathing and tried to rest my mind. After I was done, I walked back home before the sun completely set, and watched Milk with my roommate. It was an excellent movie with great company.
Now looking back at it, I guess I could have 'crashed the party' at Mel's. I'm sure no one would have objected. Maybe a little awkward... But interestingly enough, rather than feeling like a victim (as I usually might), I decided to be productive with my suddenly granted time of solitude.
I don't know what Mel and Lisa did with my other friends last night. I know I was bothered by how I wasn't invited. I'll probably bothered for a few seconds when I see either of them. But I took this open evening as a date with solitude.
It wasn't that bad.
Comments (0)
