Biography: Dusty March

when i was fifteen years old, i stood on the porch of my parent's house and i prayed to God. i prayed for change; i prayed for peace. i was only fifteen. i've been embattled since then. i've been unable to achieve balance or to find spiritual peace and rest. the closest that i have ever come to that state was a forced isolation during a difficult separation/divorce. i thought that i would be safe so long as i stayed close to God. so, i prayed. i meditated. i practiced yoga. i ran two miles a day. i ate all natural foods. i took supplements to keep my body healthy and strong. i cut out nicotine, caffeine and sugar. there were countless days that i spent in silence, never conversing with a single soul. i was in control. i could count on myself. my rituals became my obsession. i was an insomniac for six months. i prayed that God would NEVER deliver me from that place because it was the only time in my life that i felt like i was in control. but i wasn't; my obsessions were. i had accomplished all of my dreams for healthy living. i had plenty of money in the bank (i had also cut out television, movies, etc.). when i said i was going to do something, it got done. i wouldn't rest until my task list was finished. i even scheduled cultural activities, events and socials. i was at my peak. i was sending inspiring notes to others - encouraging them. i prayed and interceded for folks i didn't even know. i accomplished the greatest feats of my professional career, which culminated in a personal invitation from the CEO of multi-billion dollar company. still - i had no peace. i still remember the day that it all came crashing down on me. the anxiety each day was crushing. i was having 10 panic attacks per day. as i sat at the intersection waiting to make my turn, my body took over. i reached down and unlatched my seatbelt and opened the door in the middle of traffic. startled, i shut the door and drove myself to the nearest hospital. i was given medication to sleep. and that's what i did - for seven days. i slept for the first time in six months - only waking to eat and ride my bike. but at the end of the seven days, exercise gave me anxiety. being hungry gave me anxiety. i stopped moving, loaded up on fast food to satiate my intense psychological trauma and started smoking. my life has gone downhill fast ever since. i have lost my spiritual connection to the source. i am more than 30 pounds overweight. i am in the grips of a cycle of depression and anxiety. i have no personal savings. i anguish over a cigarette addiction that i cannot overcome. my life has gone from one extreme to the other. now, just as when i was fifteen, i look up to the heavens and pray for help. i pray for peace. but, the answer is always the same: silence. during the michael jackson coverage, i became obsessed with understanding his life and his death. i read every article, collected every magazine, watched countless hours of his old interviews and read "biographies." what had driven someone with so much skill into oblivion? why did i so relate to what i perceived to be his tortured existence? the only voice i trusted was deepak chopras. in listening to his interviews, i heard an honesty and sincerity: "he was my brother," he said to one newsman as he struggled to choke back tears. i wondered why michael, although he was surrounded by so much help: the top spiritual practitioners in the world, the top medical doctors, psychologists and dieticians - the most famous people in the world - why had he not GOTTEN help? well, i'm not michael jackson. i'm not wildly talented or sought after. i don't have his money or accolades. but - i do have one thing: access to help. i say all this to say that i need help - though my inner bulldog despises it. my main intent is to tame my inner bulldog and to find balance. through balance, i believe that i can achieve peace. that is my story and i am grateful for being able to share it. i feel cleansed just because it's on paper. for i have come to believe that for all of my "selfish" behaviors and addictions, i have never felt that i was most important in my own life. that is not a life a balance, that is a life of fear. i ask that anyone reading this biography who believes in light and hope, that there is one universal source to which we are all connected would send positive, protective and helpful thoughts for my journey to balance. in whatever way you understand it: prayer, sending positive vibrations or just sending me a joyful meditative thought - i would appreciate it. selah. and so it is.
My Website http://www.residuemag.com